As I sit here and write this blog entry I continue to struggle with the very thing that I have found to be foundational to my struggle with sexual addiction. The thing that I am talking about is my struggle with resentment. As I have worked through the 12 steps I have found that I harbor much resentment towards my parents, my wife, and even God at times. So why is resentment so deadly to my recovery some of you may be asking? For me resentment almost gives me permission to act out because when I dwell in this area I feed something that allows me to escape from my own sin and focus on the sin or faults of someone else. Essentially what I have done is formed an attitude against the person I have chosen to resent which then allows me to continue to act out sexually with very little thought as to how it has begun to impact my life as well as the people that I love so very much.
I have found that most of the resentment that I hold onto is not based in reality but comes from somewhere deep inside of me. From somewhere that is void of any light and anything good. It is the area that I have walled off from access to anyone even including God; the very one person who should have access.
So how have I begun to overcome resentment? For me the answer has been surrendering my resentments to Christ as soon as I begin experiencing them. This in turn has given him access to this area of my life. His light has begun to shine on areas that were once filled with darkness. By no means am I claiming to be even close to overcoming my struggle with resentment. However, I find much hope in knowing that with time and the power of the Holy Spirit in my life that I can move closer to a healthier way of dealing with pain in my life.
Thoughts?
James
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